A Story of Pride and Foolishness

I am a little ashamed to publish this post because it is a story which revolves around my foolishness, but this blog is supposed to be a chronicle of my experiences, be they good, bad or evidence of my stupidity. So here goes!

As I said, I was having a rough couple of days before I left for Poland. Paris was finally starting to get to me. I started to feel incredibly crowded, nearly claustrophobic. I have spent my whole life in towns either suburban or semi-rural in nature and I was not at all accustomed to big city life. Big city life is apartments stacked on top of apartments stacked on top of shops squeezed into every spare inch of space. Big city life is a constant parade of cars and bikes and vespas in a street which you are desperately trying not to totter into as you are shoved around the 3 foot wide sidewalk you share with 30 other people. Big city life is crippled women begging, old men leering and more shit in the street, on the sidewalk and around the rare tree than you thought you would ever see in your life.

But Paris is not just any big city, it is Paris. Add a native population which is incredibly proud of its culture and language. The following is a true story: I was at a bar on the Champs Elysee with a bunch of other people from school when a guy I had seen around a couple of times came over to talk to me and my friend. He knew that we were exchange students so he started to speak English with us. As we were talking one of his friends came over, but once the friend heard us speaking English he got an angry look on his face and immediately turned around to walk away. The guy we were talking to looked over to see what was wrong and his obviously disgusted friend said (in French), “You are in France, you should be speaking French,” before stalking angrily away.

Add a foreign fashion culture. This is the one that surprised me the most. I knew that French people dressed in darker clothing than Americans typically did, so I packed accordingly. This was a little difficult because if you know me you know that I love to wear bright colors. But I stuck to my grays and black in an effort to fit in with the culture as much as possible – my biggest fear was that I would be that American girl who dressed loud and talked loud and fed every stereotype Europeans have of Americans. On a deeper level though (and this is where it gets foolish), I thought that I could actually be French for a semester. I thought I could dress like them, talk like them and live like them to fit seamlessly into their community for four months. And this is why it got hard. I am not Parisian!

I didn’t think I would feel culture shock – I thought I would feel like part of the culture. Basically, I was stupid. It took a few weeks to hit me at all, but then it all hit me at once. I always have been and still am in love with Paris, but it has its flaws. It is loud and crowded and dirty and it’s okay if I’m not in love with it every moment of every day. And really, I am not Parisian! I am American and I am proud of it. I have started wearing colors again and even that has made such a difference. Do you know how depressing it is to wear just black and gray all the time?? It sucks! It is not me. I feel like I am 12 again, having to tell myself that it doesn’t matter what other people think of me! Haha.

Like I said, I feel a little stupid admitting to all of this. I can’t believe I thought I would be the ONE person who didn’t feel culture shock. And I am ashamed that I came over here afraid to show that I am American! Of course it is difficult to be an American abroad (I have talked about this a little – I will write more on it soon), but that’s certainly not a reason to shy away from it. Especially not me! I can’t remember the last time I sought to avoid conflict. I have spent the last 7 years getting good at engaging conflict through debate. What was I thinking?? Ah well, it is all part of the growing and learning this experience is affording me. And I am grateful for it, however stupid it makes me feel.

I am leaving again tomorrow morning! I am spending the weekend in Dublin, Ireland, so I will post pictures from Poland and Ireland next week.

A bientot!